We think it’s safe to say that every workplace has its share of toxic characters. Every company you will ever work for has soul-sapping personalities who will truly tempt you to use the stapler in unspeakably violent ways. We’re sure you know what we’re talking about. You’re probably even scanning names in your mental Rolodex right now.
We’ve thought about these repulsive colleagues and how they always stress us and drive us to think unhealthy thoughts and force us to scream obscene words. We’ve decided to put a stop to all the cursing. Why should we let obnoxious human beings gradually turn us into foulmouthed whiners? We should be more creative than that. And so, let’s resolve to never again call an officemate “asshole” or “bitch” or “cocksucker” or “snake.”
Instead, we offer you these safe-for-work codes that are based on car brands. By using these automotive brands to put a “label” on undesirable workmates, you keep yourself from uttering atrocious words you won’t ever say in front of your kid—and you stay safely away from the self-righteous claws of the HR department.
- AUDI – Always Unprepared, Delinquent and Incompetent
- BMW – Bossy Motherf***ing Worker
- FIAT – Forever Incapacitated and Tired
- FORD – Frequently Objecting, Ranting and Dissing
- HONDA – High on Nefariously Destructive Ambition
- JEEP – Just Eroding Everyone’s Productivity
- KIA – Know-It-All
- MG – Mr./Ms. Gossip
- MINI – Most Irritatingly Narcissistic Idiot
- NISSAN – Narrator of Incessant Sob Stories and Needs
- OPEL – Obviously Peddling Exaggerations and Lies
- PORSCHE – Promotion-Obsessed and Ruthlessly Scheming Employee
- SUBARU – Sucking Up but Also Rabidly Undermining
- TOYOTA – Too Often Yapping on about Trivial Affairs
Try coming up with your own. It’s fun (we were laughing the whole time). Just always make sure that the people you’re referencing aren’t aware of the code’s meaning. It would be really awkward if they were.