
As the saying goes: “There are two kinds of motorcycle riders. Those who have crashed, and those who will.”
If you have loved ones waiting for you at home, or if your medical coverage is less than platinum, or even if you have an aversion to losing skin and breaking bones, common sense will tell you that it’s not in your best interest to ride like a jackass.
I mean, it’s fine if you’re being paid to behave like Johnny Knoxville because that’s your job, but if you’re just out to enjoy a ride, there’s really no benefit to riding beyond your skill level or your bike’s abilities. But as the recent, tragic event in Marilaque proves, common sense is not that common. A combination of a big ego, mediocre skills, and an unhealthy craving for attention is bound to land you in a hospital sooner rather than later.
HOWEVER. It is a fact that everybody—and I mean everybody—will die anyway (perhaps with the exception of Juan Ponce Enrile). And if you are of the belief that tomorrow is too far to think about—and by golly, “I’m gonna show everybody how good I am on my two-wheel crotch rocket”—here is a list of several stunts you can do to hasten your arrival at St. Peter’s pearly gates. For maximum audience impact, be sure to do this in a public area, wear the minimum protective armor, and remember these wise words: “You either live short enough to die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.”

The wheelie. This is a lot of fun, and many beginner riders aspire to learn this little trick early in their riding ‘career.’ Rev the motor, pop the clutch, and away you go. Aside from being a demonstration of a motorcycle’s engine performance, it’s also a test of nerves. It takes practice to see nothing but blue sky while you’re seated and not panic. Professional stunt riders do several variations of the wheelie, such as doing it on one side of the bike, standing on the pillion pegs rather than the foot pegs, and so on. And, of course, they do it in a controlled environment, but where’s the fun in that? Do it in front of the tambikers on Marilaque for maximum effect.

How low can you go? Professional racers can get their bikes really low to the ground as they work toward cornering as quickly as possible. Mind you, they do this hundreds of times on a closed course, so they have exceptional fitness and bike control. You, on the other hand, only need to do this several times to impress the crowd. Go on. Don’t be scared. Lean as low as you can go till your knee is scraping the asphalt. Once you’ve mastered that, go even bolder by reaching out with your left hand to scrape the road and gather a few grams of dirt, dog shit, and oil. Bengking-bengking is life. Wear your tocino with pride and make sure to send out your GCash number so we’ll be sure to block it.

Creative seating positions. What’s the point of a chair if you’re just going to—you know—sit on it like a nerd? I’m not sure if there’s a Kama Sutra for bike seating positions, but you can do all sorts of contortions to demonstrate your coolness. You could do a spreader with your legs over the handlebars…do a Downward Dog…sit side-saddle. Be creative!

The burnout. This is relatively safe, in that a runaway bike will just wreck itself and leave you looking like an idiot. KTM stunt rider Rok Bagoros has done this thousands of times on modified bikes, but you can do it very easily with a stock bike and very little practice—as long as your goal is to destroy it. Stand to the left side of the bike, put it in first gear, squeeze the front brake, rev that sucker, then pop the clutch. As the burnout happens, gradually guide the bike so it pivots around you and you’re enveloped in a cloud of burnt rubber and clutch. Ah, the sweet smell of burning money, indeed.

The stoppie. There are many variations to this basic stunt, which involves slamming on the front brake hard enough that it lifts the back of the bike. There is the Mission: Impossible stoppie where Tom Cruise magically pivoted his Triumph 180°; there’s the stoppie that gets you close enough to your partner for a quick kiss; and there’s the stoppie that has you coolly hopping over the front of the bike like a Bollywood superstar. This only works if your bike does not have ABS, because ABS is for pussies and stoppies are for the cool kids.

The Superman. No need for explanation here, as it has already been proven to be a killer move. First used by bicycle racers for maximum aerodynamic effect, it’s also used in illegal motorcycle races because you present the smallest frontal aspect. At full speed ahead, take your feet off the pegs and lie down on the seat, legs perfectly horizontal. You’re Asian Superman! As the red mist takes over your vision and imminent death comes ever closer, remember: Pain is temporary, but so is Internet fame.
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